Sundays in the tube are different from every other day. The later it gets, the more different it gets. I slide my transfer into the machine-it beeps and allows me to pass through the turn-style. The beep echos past the caged store and bounces off the unmanned customer service booth. The escalator is off. I find myself lifting my feet awkwardly and anticipating moving stairs; though they are clearly not moving. As I laboriously descend the stationary staircase into the tube, I start pulling one of the clubs out of my golf bag. I pull it just a little bit further out of the bag so that it is at the ready. Ready for what? It is eerily empty at the LaSalle stop. My intuition is telling me to have a club at the ready to defend myself from nobody. I am alone. I should have swung that club at my paranoia. I laugh at myself and tuck the club back into the bag.
There are noises in the distance that I cannot identify. It does not sound of an approaching train. It is this difference that makes Sunday in the Subway different. I can hear. I can focus. I have the time to dissect the structure. I have time to make up the stories. I have time to imagine this at a different time. I look at the cracks dripping water or some other corrosive substance from the ceiling. The cracks are at regular intervals-about every sixteen feet. It is then I realize that it is built in sections. Sixteen foot sections, maybe. The cracks signify where two sections meet. A mason would have to fill those cracks with concrete and smooth it over. After the mud dries, a painter finishes the look. He rolls on a coat of brilliant white over the crack. The paint begins to bubble where the water has found a way through. The bubbles get heavy, big white water balloons-ready to pop. The water pushes the latex to its limits and gives way for a steady ceiling drip. This inevitability of water coming through the ceiling makes me reach for my golf clubs again. Again there was nothing to swing at. If the train doesn't come soon, I may have to abandoned this post in fear of the ceiling coming down.
The train would undoubtedly change the subject. The moment it arrived, I would be in a different part of the story; no longer worried about the possibility of death via subway cave-in. But it hadn't arrived and I was torn. The taxi home is twelve dollars. This ride is already paid for but I could end up paying for this ride with my life. I'll just wait for the train. I look over the cracks again. There is evidence of a half-assed caulk and paint job. They were poorly composed cosmetic jobs in need of further attention. These walls are coming down.
There is a rumbling in the distance. It is from the opposite direction. Not my train. Will anyone get off at this stop? I walk over to the other side of the platform to watch the train shake its way towards the station. Through the dark tube, I can see the yellow orange lamps hit the curve of the wall. The lights strafe along the entry in sync with the rattling of the wheels. The far headlight comes into view followed by the near side. It slows, shakes, and humbles itself. The doors open. The train makes an automatic announcement warning that the doors will close. The doors close but before the train moves again, a man pulls on the emergency handle to open the doors and he gets off the train. His shoulders sit forward as his arms pull him to the ground. His legs are slightly bent and if there was a high stool underneath him he'd be sitting rather than standing. He stares at me. I inch a club from the bag. I think its a nine iron. He says something under his breath. I think he is talking to me but I'm not sure. He turns his head and faces the other set of tracks. He doesn't leave the station, which meant to me that he had nowhere to go. I don't really believe in coincidence, so the club comes further out of the bag. My train nears.
The man who got off going one direction followed me unto the train that headed in the direction from whence he came. We sat looking at each other; his eyes less afraid than mine. He stared at me but not in confidence. It was empty stare; one that didn't realize that it was a stare. Next stop-Jackson. I'm moving to a recently vacated seat so I don't have to stare at this man. As soon as I got up, he started to speak to himself but out loud. He pointed at my seat and then motioned his finger in my direction but he didn't look at me. His words were incomprehensible. A young Cubs fan was next in the stare seat and got up to move away from this man-just as I had. It was at this moment that I realized that his stare, moments earlier, was not empty at all. When the kid got up to move away, the man rolled his eyes and dropped his head. He was hurt. It was a pain that I couldn't imagine. The next person to sit in the empty seat followed in suit and moved before the next stop and it sent the pain through him again like a whip against his back. I could see the agony in his face. I could see how lonely this man was; it would would only be a few more stops before he would get off and go the other direction again in hopes that people would tolerate his presence.
I had a set of golf clubs on the train. The light hit the clubs and reflected off the plexiglass window and called attention to my minds eye. I looked at my reflection which was a contour drawing with obscure features. I wondered who I was today. I'm not really a golfer, but I am making logistical problems for myself by traveling all over the city via public transportation with a set of golf clubs. I shot at least twenty over par in a nine hole run. I am not a golfer. I suppose I am an opportunist. The opportunity I capitalized on this time was the chance to go spend money that I don't have; aggravating myself over my inability to send a little white ball where I'd like it to go. I forgot a book to read on the train so I stared at my reflection-wondering who I was, why I was, and where I was going. During this moment of reflection in my reflection, I knew why the man had stared at me. I was sitting on the same train with a set of golf clubs, with a destination, and with privilege. My reflection came into focus as we passed through the eroding tube.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Orange and Blue Make Black
I don't know what I am doing here. It feels right in some ways
but wrong in others. It feels like I'm an intruder on some days and
others, it feels like home. There are old graystones next to new
condos with cerulean metal balconies. The power and cable lines
crosshatch the air painted by the stucco walls. There is not much room
to breathe. The wind is automobile produced and carries the odor of
the road. Burnt rubber. Burnt fuel. Burnt air. It squeezes through the
fine mesh of my screens and fills my home with that sweet city aroma.
In between the new condos flashes the cars and trucks on the Kennedy.
Horns bounce through the alley and reverberate off my walls. The
screeching tires of a semi indicate brake lights. Indicate a reaction.
Indicate trouble. I wait for the crash. It doesn't come. I'm
disappointed. I listen again. I give up. I get back to work. A
catalytic converter needs to be replaced in the distance. Its sounds
of a machine gun that morphs into an anti-aircraft weapon as it nears.
The dog just covered his ears. If it hurts my ears, it must be nails
on a chalkboard to him. It goes as fast as it came.
The sky above the tallest building is always periwinkle gray naked
of clouds. The nude body lays very still above the puncturing
structure. Its gray haze makes a translucent layer over a layer of
flesh. The flesh over a layer of periwinkle. The periwinkle over
cellophane. Cellophane over salmon. It glows underneath but is opaque
from a distance. The sun makes its best effort during day hours to
break the layers. Its too thick. There is too much paint. Too dry. Too
old. Too accustomed. It lays still.
As it lays still above, all things are restless below. Nothing can
stand still. People can not stay still. It doesn't matter what time it
is, Ashland never sleeps. Its pavement is pounded by rubber around the
clock. Dripped on. Spit on. Spilled on. Set ablaze. Gouged. Pierced.
Scraped. Its abused all day every day. Its only one road. Where is
everyone going? Why so fast? Why so angrily? Why so decisively? Why?
Its embryonic layer is rebar and gravel. Concrete spread like
chocolate frosting on top and finished with a hot tar tar. It was
level at some point but the constant beatings have worn the road. The
frequent position of the cars impact the pavement and create hills and
valleys. The icing cracks, and holes make airways for the concrete
below. The salt and plow trucks of winter's past chew up any lose
material and open canyons through the surface. The sewer caps rise
from ground making drainage impossible. The fix is not near. The
manicure is long overdue and possibly never happening. Maybe if
Daley's car got a flat tire from the mortar holes in Ashland avenue,
it would get its tardy facelift. Most bus drivers do not even attempt
evasion of pot holes. They blast right into them. Bump right out. I
don't know how the tires put up with that shit. It seems as if the
drivers speed up when they see a crater. The bigger, the better. My
coffee is sure to spill out of the top and onto my hands. I only get
pot hole renegade drivers when I have a piping hot Dunkin Donuts
coffee. Not only will I not be able to read because my book is on the
slushy floor, my hand is now scalded.
Sometimes I feel the alien. Sometimes I feel home.
but wrong in others. It feels like I'm an intruder on some days and
others, it feels like home. There are old graystones next to new
condos with cerulean metal balconies. The power and cable lines
crosshatch the air painted by the stucco walls. There is not much room
to breathe. The wind is automobile produced and carries the odor of
the road. Burnt rubber. Burnt fuel. Burnt air. It squeezes through the
fine mesh of my screens and fills my home with that sweet city aroma.
In between the new condos flashes the cars and trucks on the Kennedy.
Horns bounce through the alley and reverberate off my walls. The
screeching tires of a semi indicate brake lights. Indicate a reaction.
Indicate trouble. I wait for the crash. It doesn't come. I'm
disappointed. I listen again. I give up. I get back to work. A
catalytic converter needs to be replaced in the distance. Its sounds
of a machine gun that morphs into an anti-aircraft weapon as it nears.
The dog just covered his ears. If it hurts my ears, it must be nails
on a chalkboard to him. It goes as fast as it came.
The sky above the tallest building is always periwinkle gray naked
of clouds. The nude body lays very still above the puncturing
structure. Its gray haze makes a translucent layer over a layer of
flesh. The flesh over a layer of periwinkle. The periwinkle over
cellophane. Cellophane over salmon. It glows underneath but is opaque
from a distance. The sun makes its best effort during day hours to
break the layers. Its too thick. There is too much paint. Too dry. Too
old. Too accustomed. It lays still.
As it lays still above, all things are restless below. Nothing can
stand still. People can not stay still. It doesn't matter what time it
is, Ashland never sleeps. Its pavement is pounded by rubber around the
clock. Dripped on. Spit on. Spilled on. Set ablaze. Gouged. Pierced.
Scraped. Its abused all day every day. Its only one road. Where is
everyone going? Why so fast? Why so angrily? Why so decisively? Why?
Its embryonic layer is rebar and gravel. Concrete spread like
chocolate frosting on top and finished with a hot tar tar. It was
level at some point but the constant beatings have worn the road. The
frequent position of the cars impact the pavement and create hills and
valleys. The icing cracks, and holes make airways for the concrete
below. The salt and plow trucks of winter's past chew up any lose
material and open canyons through the surface. The sewer caps rise
from ground making drainage impossible. The fix is not near. The
manicure is long overdue and possibly never happening. Maybe if
Daley's car got a flat tire from the mortar holes in Ashland avenue,
it would get its tardy facelift. Most bus drivers do not even attempt
evasion of pot holes. They blast right into them. Bump right out. I
don't know how the tires put up with that shit. It seems as if the
drivers speed up when they see a crater. The bigger, the better. My
coffee is sure to spill out of the top and onto my hands. I only get
pot hole renegade drivers when I have a piping hot Dunkin Donuts
coffee. Not only will I not be able to read because my book is on the
slushy floor, my hand is now scalded.
Sometimes I feel the alien. Sometimes I feel home.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Humming Cars and Rumbling Trucks
ZZZZZEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEwwwwwwWWWWWWW
sssssssssssssssssssppppphheevvvvvvvvvsssszzzew. Repeat. Repeat faster.
I can see them working on it. They were gentlemen. Some were
gentlemen. Some were pock-marked spics and sweaty niggers. Some were
lying racist micks. There were a few stoshes bearing the stench of
stale vodka. A few zips, a chink, and a gook. A coupla snot-nosed
summer help from the north shore. They all wore work. They wore it in
their faces, in their hands, in the arches of their feet, and the
curves of their backs. Crack. Crackety Crack Crack. Beep Beep Beep.
Reverse. Reversing. Reverse. They looked like cool hand Luke and the
gang, but not at all. There was a hero, but not at all. They worked as
a team, but not at all. The concrete guys do the concrete. The
laborers do the bullshit. The operators work the thunder. The
electricians play with each others pricks. The plumbers aren't needed
but they are on the clock-they want a piece of the action. The
carpenters zip and saw. Zip and saw. Nail and pound. Nail and pound.
Lightbulb yellow. Sewage Orange. Rusty Red. Oscar Green. Bullfrog
Blue. All the helmets. All the helmets. I can see the work. I can see
the gang box over here. The foreman's trailer over there. I can hear
the work. I can feel the vibrating ground below my feet. It's a
squiggly line of vibrations running through the rubber soles of my
boots moving vertically through my legs dancing around my knees and
tapering in my hips. The Checker Board Lounge style vibration. Blues
vibration. Squiggly line, blues, checker board lounge vibrations. That
kind. The concrete pillars are new enough to not be painted, tainted,
stained, and painted. Speckles of pale yellow and coffee. Dark roast.
Medium roast. Dashes of cinnamon. Swirls of water and sand. Pebble
lined ocean floors just beyond the sand bar but not far-close. It was
perfectly edged, trolled, and finished. Hadn't seen the heat, the
cold, the salt, the acid, the poison of the humming cars and rumbling
trucks. Its life had just begun. It stood defenseless. Prey for the
predators. Opportunity for the elements.
A whistle blows for nine thirty break. Fifteen minutes to wait in
line at the roach coach or unpack a sandwich and ruin your lunch. Some
eat alone. Some eat together but all separate. There's the sports
crew. The drinking crew. The car crew. The bible thumpers. The
complaint crew. The brown nosers. The tokers. The jokers and weirdos.
Buckets and planks are the tables and lunch pales, the seats. Hot
spot...on the front right, near the big toe. A blister, a muscle, an
ache. The heat freezes the frame. A car flashes and cools. A bus air
conditions. Another pillar pour after break. The roller arrives. Red
and white striped conical spinner with a mouth hurling slow motion
globs of wet crete. A man on the hose. A man on the shovel. A man on
the barrel. A man to strike it off. End break. The screaming voices
are drown by the humming cars and rumbling trucks. No one can hear
anyone and everyone can hear everything. Work happened here.
I sever my thought. I pull the plug. I disconnect from the server.
I lose the signal. I have no bars. My battery is dying. A police car
rolls past. I consider my position. Im staring at the guts of a
seventy year old bridge. I was here before. I consider my position. I
feel odd. Why shouldn't I stand here?
sssssssssssssssssssppppphheevvvvvvvvvsssszzzew. Repeat. Repeat faster.
I can see them working on it. They were gentlemen. Some were
gentlemen. Some were pock-marked spics and sweaty niggers. Some were
lying racist micks. There were a few stoshes bearing the stench of
stale vodka. A few zips, a chink, and a gook. A coupla snot-nosed
summer help from the north shore. They all wore work. They wore it in
their faces, in their hands, in the arches of their feet, and the
curves of their backs. Crack. Crackety Crack Crack. Beep Beep Beep.
Reverse. Reversing. Reverse. They looked like cool hand Luke and the
gang, but not at all. There was a hero, but not at all. They worked as
a team, but not at all. The concrete guys do the concrete. The
laborers do the bullshit. The operators work the thunder. The
electricians play with each others pricks. The plumbers aren't needed
but they are on the clock-they want a piece of the action. The
carpenters zip and saw. Zip and saw. Nail and pound. Nail and pound.
Lightbulb yellow. Sewage Orange. Rusty Red. Oscar Green. Bullfrog
Blue. All the helmets. All the helmets. I can see the work. I can see
the gang box over here. The foreman's trailer over there. I can hear
the work. I can feel the vibrating ground below my feet. It's a
squiggly line of vibrations running through the rubber soles of my
boots moving vertically through my legs dancing around my knees and
tapering in my hips. The Checker Board Lounge style vibration. Blues
vibration. Squiggly line, blues, checker board lounge vibrations. That
kind. The concrete pillars are new enough to not be painted, tainted,
stained, and painted. Speckles of pale yellow and coffee. Dark roast.
Medium roast. Dashes of cinnamon. Swirls of water and sand. Pebble
lined ocean floors just beyond the sand bar but not far-close. It was
perfectly edged, trolled, and finished. Hadn't seen the heat, the
cold, the salt, the acid, the poison of the humming cars and rumbling
trucks. Its life had just begun. It stood defenseless. Prey for the
predators. Opportunity for the elements.
A whistle blows for nine thirty break. Fifteen minutes to wait in
line at the roach coach or unpack a sandwich and ruin your lunch. Some
eat alone. Some eat together but all separate. There's the sports
crew. The drinking crew. The car crew. The bible thumpers. The
complaint crew. The brown nosers. The tokers. The jokers and weirdos.
Buckets and planks are the tables and lunch pales, the seats. Hot
spot...on the front right, near the big toe. A blister, a muscle, an
ache. The heat freezes the frame. A car flashes and cools. A bus air
conditions. Another pillar pour after break. The roller arrives. Red
and white striped conical spinner with a mouth hurling slow motion
globs of wet crete. A man on the hose. A man on the shovel. A man on
the barrel. A man to strike it off. End break. The screaming voices
are drown by the humming cars and rumbling trucks. No one can hear
anyone and everyone can hear everything. Work happened here.
I sever my thought. I pull the plug. I disconnect from the server.
I lose the signal. I have no bars. My battery is dying. A police car
rolls past. I consider my position. Im staring at the guts of a
seventy year old bridge. I was here before. I consider my position. I
feel odd. Why shouldn't I stand here?
Whitebeard
He walks around. Even in the winter. Even on the coldest days. The
blizzard didn't even stop him. He must have to go out to keep whatever
sanity he has left-I'm guessing. I wouldn't think he was the hustling
type. He wasn't going out and scamming anybody or stealing. Well, he
wasn't stealing anything significant and his scams-no doubt-a waste of
energy or defunct. His coat was a neon blue puffy cloud that kept him
from freezing to death. It enveloped him. Swallowed him up. His little
head arched out of the top of the cloud reaching to be able to see his
feet. His whitebeard-an obstacle as well. It is matted at the tips and
turning yellow. Piss in the snow yellow. It bends off his chin and
curves out of the top of the cloud obstructing the view of his feet.
Maybe he used to be a blonde. If I had to guess and I do-the blonde
hair screamed and left the scene a long time ago. He mostly floats
along in his cloud through the alleys-when he can. Once in a while, he
carries found objects. I don't mean things to make art with-I mean the
type of shit that is going to help this creature keep breathing. Keep
thinking. Keep collecting for the betterment of his existence.
Sometimes, the objects seem pretty useless to me. What the fuck are
you going to do with a broken lawn duck? Yeah a broken lawn duck-he
was carrying one the other day. You know the ducks that folks put on
their lawns and dress up for different seasons and what not? Isn't
that fuckin thing heavy? Maybe he is making art. Maybe the broken duck
reminds him of his broken soul. His damaged body. His beaten self
esteem. His severed hope. Maybe the garbage he collects is art. Maybe
he wanted to decorate his lawn. Only his lawn is the littered muddy
gravel pit underneath the Kennedy.
I saw him climb up a ledge on Ashland and slip through a section
of chain link fence that had been cut and carefully folded over to
make a nice doorway into his realm. So I was curious as to what things
looked like up there. It is my neighborhood now too. I can go up
there. No law protects this place. Well, not one that would protect
him over me. So I went up. Followed the beaten path. You have now
entered the realm of Whitebeard-I heard an atmospheric voice say as I
narrowed my frame through the doorway. I stood on an old railroad
overpass above Ashland Avenue. As those with an agenda zipped
underneath and past me, I looked down the tracks. The tracks dive into
the earth and disappear. The grass reclaimed the space taken by
eminent domain. I stood on an abandoned way of thinking. I stood on
abandoned ideals. This is the site of abandoned wants and needs.
Nobody needs whatever these tracks used to facilitate the delivery of-
a declaration of the possibility or inevitability of change. I stood
between the two pieces of iron that made the exterior of the bridge.
Studded iron arched and supported by studded buttresses. The façade
held a sign for all the cars and trucks to see, but the guts held
different signs. These signs were sprayed on, drawn on, scratched on,
and scribbled. White Food Food was printed in gold over the rusted
studded deteriorating iron. What does that even mean? Gotham painted
on another spot in white food coloring that dripped off the vertical
metal page-stars on either side of the word. It did sort of feel like
Gotham up there- otherworldly. It would take a step, a climb, and a
slither to get there. The passer by could never see. I could see the
sanctuary these high walls created. I could see possibilities for an
adolescent mind. I could see that I wasn’t seen. No one would wonder
why I was up here. No one would care. I could see the allure. I could
see why Whitebeard stays somewhere up here. Where? That was to the
left. It couldn’t be to the left. To the left was the elevated strip
of land that the trains used to rumble atop-huffing and puffing
through the neighborhood. Shaking the table lamps. Rattling mom’s
china. Making a poorly hung picture droop even further to one side.
Forcing you to hold what ya got till the terror passes. Till the
caboose waves goodbye and thank you. The obtrusive invader carrying
your needs along the tracks of salvation disappeared into the curve
and never returned. That was to the left.
To the right, the tracks stopped at my feet. Abruptly. Stopped. Chain-
link fence covered in green tarp. Above is the massive concrete slab
that is the Kennedy expressway. The tarp is opaque. Not country club
mesh. The type that says ‘stay the fuck out.’ For people like me, it
translates to ‘find a way in.’ There is a flap of the tarp at ankle
height alarming what’s inside of my presence as the wind kicks up. The
clouds keep me camouflaged. I stick the camera under the flap and snap
a pic.
I look at the digital display to discover that I have found
Whitebeard’s castle. It was a tent with a painted green lizard on the
side and a broken stone duck on his muddy gravel pit lawn. Whitebeard
is an artist. Although his lawn is littered with garbage- literally-he
has a white plastic garbage can just outside the door to his tent.
Once that fills up, I guess he walks about ten feet or so and dumps it
out on the lawn. Makes sense I guess. That’s what I do too-kind of. I
put it in a black garbage can, that goes on a truck, and eventually it
gets dumped somewhere too. I guess the point is to not see the
rubbish, as that has always been the point.
There are also the bleak remains of another settlement to the west
of White Beard’s castle. I wonder if Whitebeard made them leave. The
place has an acrid smell. Frankly, it smells like death. Maybe
Whitebeard killed them. They probably staked their claim on his land,
a vital portion of earth that Whitebeard uses as his studio. What
else is there to do but murder? The site is perpendicular to the high
north wall that protects the castle from the cold north-westerlies. To
the east, the brick wall of the west side of a factory defends
easterly intrusion. The south wall is a sloping slab of concrete from
ground to roof. The roof was the Kennedy. It was the most brilliant
site of survival I had ever seen.
It is somewhat comforting to know that Whitebeard is not homeless.
He has a castle, a realm, a tent, a studio, a lawn, a roof, a garbage
can, a broken lawn duck, and his very own warm cloud. His existence
belittles mine. I write or paint or tend to needy people while he
collects and survives. I stuff my face with cheeseburgers, fries, and
a coke. A sausage and pepperoni pizza with a side of mozzarella
sticks. A milkshake. A coffee. A venti chocolati espresso latte
mochachino. A Chop-pak. A side of bacon. A ham and cheese omelet,
pancakes, toast, and hash-browns. A Big Gulp. A McRib-when its on
special. I super-size it. Made to order ice cream. Buckets of ice
cream. While I’m eating ice cream I make faces at people as they walk
by the ice cream parlor’s windows. I stuff my face. Stuff it again.
Then I stuff it once more for good measure. Then I go to sleep in a
California King sized bed that I sleep in alone. One day I hope to
have a realm.
This place reminds me of another. Another place. Where did I see
it before? Maybe I saw it on the television. Maybe I saw it in the
newspaper. Maybe I saw it on the internet. Maybe I read about a place
that was just like this one. It has the dynamic quality that a new
place tends to have-the kind that makes me feel like an intruder. The
kind that makes me slightly uncomfortable. The kind that prevents me
from asking the questions that I want to ask. It makes my stomach
turn. Swirling up and around in circles. My double burger is doing
flips. My fries are jigging for bits of bacon in the cesspool of
cheese that sloshes from left to right as I sneak around this foreign
landscape.
I look for clues. I look for signifiers. I scan the land. I see a
pair of old sandals-half eaten by mud. I see a big silver dog bowl. I
see detergent bottles. A soiled blanket. A dirty diaper. Eyeglasses
with one lens. I see the sun trying to pierce the haze. It punctures
the smog just enough to make a rectangular shaped beam that hits the
top of the castle. This hostile beam was where the realm and the rest
of the world collided.
I feel that it is a justifiable hour to awake the king. I consider
that my call from the fence, a simple, “Hello?, ” could set a king
off. No guillotine for me. Kings can be very erratic, especially a
king who is dealing with all that racket from the Kennedy. I would
like to see him emerge from the castle at a distance. I’d like to be
able to judge his sanity from afar. I’d like to be able to run or grab
something substantial, if need be, to defend myself. So, I call,
“Helloooo???” “Anyone in there?”
There is no immediate response. I hold my position and turn the
volume up to a considerable decibel. “Heeeellllloooooo-anyyyybodyyy in
thereeeee???” Nothing for ten seconds. Something begins to move in the
castle. A circular shape presses against the rectangular sunbeam and
moves in a triangular pattern. Finally, the zipper begins to open on
the castle door. The door flap falls into the castle and two feet
emerge from within. The feet were followed by legs, followed by a
waist, followed by a neon blue puffy cloud, followed by a tiny human
head, and pulling up the rear was the piss in the snow yellow tips of
a white beard.
The emergence of Whitebeard stopped my brain. The moment was still
in my eyes. The images hadn’t gotten past the looking stage. I was not
thinking. Just looking. He looked for the voice. He knew, because of
the way he designed the castle, the voice could only come from one
direction. He saw me. I could tell I did not worry him right away. He
just said, “What?”
“Hey, how’s it going?” I asked.
Whitebeard was on his knees, his eyes on me, his body facing the
door flap, stranded in a physical state of confusion. He had his wits
about him, it seemed, but his body was confused about what movements
to make. “What?” he asked again. This time he wanted an answer.
“I saw you carrying that broken lawn duck, and I wanted to know
what you were planning on doing with it.” I returned.
“What the fuck are you talking about man?” His voice was filled
with ashes, smoke billowed from his lungs and he rasped his responses
with labor.
“That broken stone duck out in front of your tent. The one that
had the head of a goose or duck or a swan or something at one point
before someone threw it out and you found it. I was just wondering
what your plans for it were-if you don’t mind sharing.”
He was shaking his head while I asked about it. He put his
knuckles on the ground and used them to push the cloud into the air
and used his toes to lift his legs. “That thing made me laugh.” He
said.
“Is that why you have it?” I asked.
“What, is it yours or something? You can have it back man. I don’t
want it. I just found it man.”
I interjected. “ Nahh dude, I’m just curious, I saw you carrying
it, it looked heavy so, I thought I’d ask.”
Whitebeard walked toward me but slowed his approach as he neared.
“I saw it on somebody’s lawn. It had a yellow rain jacket, and a
yellow hat. Fuckin’ thing had clothes man. Then I laughed, cause I
wondered why someone would buy clothes for a fuckin stone duck.” He
laughed as he walked past the broken duck on his lawn, and he glanced
at the duck in transit. “Ya, fuckin dressed up, u bahleed dat?” He
asked. He stopped fifteen yards from my position. He considered his
own comfort level with the line of questioning. “Fuck u care anyway?”
“I wondered why you would carry that thing around. I wanted to
know the story behind the duck,” I said.
He shook his head at me. “That seems as dumb as me carrying it
around, man. I picked it up cause I didn’t want someone to go lookin
for the guy who broke it. Now I’m just the guy who founttit-it was all
broken when I fountit. You see?”
“Yeah, I get it. So what are going to do with it?” I asked.
“Fuck u mean?” Aint gonna do shit but walk past it-makes me laugh.”
“Do you collect a lot of stuff that makes you laugh?” I asked.
“Nah.” He looked right and left and found what he was lookin for.
There was an orange five-gallon bucket that he flipped upside down and
took a seat. “You got any change you can spare man?”
“Nah, “ I said. “But if I come up here again, I’ll bring you some
food.”
“Whatever.” He looked mad. Mad that he was woken up. Mad that he
didn’t get anything out of being woken up, and was now up and stung by
the cold. Awake and alive. A new day. He looked around. He scanned the
area, seemingly, to make sure all was the way it should be. His head
snapped back at me. “Gotta smoke? He asked.
“That I got,” I said, and I pulled the squares from my pocket. I
handed him one. He stuck it between his hidden lips and I lit the
smoke while he blocked the wind from blowing out the flame. He stood
up and walked back to the tent. “Don’t wake me up no more,” he said as
he lowered himself to enter the castle.
“I’m sorry buddy, but its three in the afternooon,” I said.
He stopped just before the tent and said, “Not for me.”
blizzard didn't even stop him. He must have to go out to keep whatever
sanity he has left-I'm guessing. I wouldn't think he was the hustling
type. He wasn't going out and scamming anybody or stealing. Well, he
wasn't stealing anything significant and his scams-no doubt-a waste of
energy or defunct. His coat was a neon blue puffy cloud that kept him
from freezing to death. It enveloped him. Swallowed him up. His little
head arched out of the top of the cloud reaching to be able to see his
feet. His whitebeard-an obstacle as well. It is matted at the tips and
turning yellow. Piss in the snow yellow. It bends off his chin and
curves out of the top of the cloud obstructing the view of his feet.
Maybe he used to be a blonde. If I had to guess and I do-the blonde
hair screamed and left the scene a long time ago. He mostly floats
along in his cloud through the alleys-when he can. Once in a while, he
carries found objects. I don't mean things to make art with-I mean the
type of shit that is going to help this creature keep breathing. Keep
thinking. Keep collecting for the betterment of his existence.
Sometimes, the objects seem pretty useless to me. What the fuck are
you going to do with a broken lawn duck? Yeah a broken lawn duck-he
was carrying one the other day. You know the ducks that folks put on
their lawns and dress up for different seasons and what not? Isn't
that fuckin thing heavy? Maybe he is making art. Maybe the broken duck
reminds him of his broken soul. His damaged body. His beaten self
esteem. His severed hope. Maybe the garbage he collects is art. Maybe
he wanted to decorate his lawn. Only his lawn is the littered muddy
gravel pit underneath the Kennedy.
I saw him climb up a ledge on Ashland and slip through a section
of chain link fence that had been cut and carefully folded over to
make a nice doorway into his realm. So I was curious as to what things
looked like up there. It is my neighborhood now too. I can go up
there. No law protects this place. Well, not one that would protect
him over me. So I went up. Followed the beaten path. You have now
entered the realm of Whitebeard-I heard an atmospheric voice say as I
narrowed my frame through the doorway. I stood on an old railroad
overpass above Ashland Avenue. As those with an agenda zipped
underneath and past me, I looked down the tracks. The tracks dive into
the earth and disappear. The grass reclaimed the space taken by
eminent domain. I stood on an abandoned way of thinking. I stood on
abandoned ideals. This is the site of abandoned wants and needs.
Nobody needs whatever these tracks used to facilitate the delivery of-
a declaration of the possibility or inevitability of change. I stood
between the two pieces of iron that made the exterior of the bridge.
Studded iron arched and supported by studded buttresses. The façade
held a sign for all the cars and trucks to see, but the guts held
different signs. These signs were sprayed on, drawn on, scratched on,
and scribbled. White Food Food was printed in gold over the rusted
studded deteriorating iron. What does that even mean? Gotham painted
on another spot in white food coloring that dripped off the vertical
metal page-stars on either side of the word. It did sort of feel like
Gotham up there- otherworldly. It would take a step, a climb, and a
slither to get there. The passer by could never see. I could see the
sanctuary these high walls created. I could see possibilities for an
adolescent mind. I could see that I wasn’t seen. No one would wonder
why I was up here. No one would care. I could see the allure. I could
see why Whitebeard stays somewhere up here. Where? That was to the
left. It couldn’t be to the left. To the left was the elevated strip
of land that the trains used to rumble atop-huffing and puffing
through the neighborhood. Shaking the table lamps. Rattling mom’s
china. Making a poorly hung picture droop even further to one side.
Forcing you to hold what ya got till the terror passes. Till the
caboose waves goodbye and thank you. The obtrusive invader carrying
your needs along the tracks of salvation disappeared into the curve
and never returned. That was to the left.
To the right, the tracks stopped at my feet. Abruptly. Stopped. Chain-
link fence covered in green tarp. Above is the massive concrete slab
that is the Kennedy expressway. The tarp is opaque. Not country club
mesh. The type that says ‘stay the fuck out.’ For people like me, it
translates to ‘find a way in.’ There is a flap of the tarp at ankle
height alarming what’s inside of my presence as the wind kicks up. The
clouds keep me camouflaged. I stick the camera under the flap and snap
a pic.
I look at the digital display to discover that I have found
Whitebeard’s castle. It was a tent with a painted green lizard on the
side and a broken stone duck on his muddy gravel pit lawn. Whitebeard
is an artist. Although his lawn is littered with garbage- literally-he
has a white plastic garbage can just outside the door to his tent.
Once that fills up, I guess he walks about ten feet or so and dumps it
out on the lawn. Makes sense I guess. That’s what I do too-kind of. I
put it in a black garbage can, that goes on a truck, and eventually it
gets dumped somewhere too. I guess the point is to not see the
rubbish, as that has always been the point.
There are also the bleak remains of another settlement to the west
of White Beard’s castle. I wonder if Whitebeard made them leave. The
place has an acrid smell. Frankly, it smells like death. Maybe
Whitebeard killed them. They probably staked their claim on his land,
a vital portion of earth that Whitebeard uses as his studio. What
else is there to do but murder? The site is perpendicular to the high
north wall that protects the castle from the cold north-westerlies. To
the east, the brick wall of the west side of a factory defends
easterly intrusion. The south wall is a sloping slab of concrete from
ground to roof. The roof was the Kennedy. It was the most brilliant
site of survival I had ever seen.
It is somewhat comforting to know that Whitebeard is not homeless.
He has a castle, a realm, a tent, a studio, a lawn, a roof, a garbage
can, a broken lawn duck, and his very own warm cloud. His existence
belittles mine. I write or paint or tend to needy people while he
collects and survives. I stuff my face with cheeseburgers, fries, and
a coke. A sausage and pepperoni pizza with a side of mozzarella
sticks. A milkshake. A coffee. A venti chocolati espresso latte
mochachino. A Chop-pak. A side of bacon. A ham and cheese omelet,
pancakes, toast, and hash-browns. A Big Gulp. A McRib-when its on
special. I super-size it. Made to order ice cream. Buckets of ice
cream. While I’m eating ice cream I make faces at people as they walk
by the ice cream parlor’s windows. I stuff my face. Stuff it again.
Then I stuff it once more for good measure. Then I go to sleep in a
California King sized bed that I sleep in alone. One day I hope to
have a realm.
This place reminds me of another. Another place. Where did I see
it before? Maybe I saw it on the television. Maybe I saw it in the
newspaper. Maybe I saw it on the internet. Maybe I read about a place
that was just like this one. It has the dynamic quality that a new
place tends to have-the kind that makes me feel like an intruder. The
kind that makes me slightly uncomfortable. The kind that prevents me
from asking the questions that I want to ask. It makes my stomach
turn. Swirling up and around in circles. My double burger is doing
flips. My fries are jigging for bits of bacon in the cesspool of
cheese that sloshes from left to right as I sneak around this foreign
landscape.
I look for clues. I look for signifiers. I scan the land. I see a
pair of old sandals-half eaten by mud. I see a big silver dog bowl. I
see detergent bottles. A soiled blanket. A dirty diaper. Eyeglasses
with one lens. I see the sun trying to pierce the haze. It punctures
the smog just enough to make a rectangular shaped beam that hits the
top of the castle. This hostile beam was where the realm and the rest
of the world collided.
I feel that it is a justifiable hour to awake the king. I consider
that my call from the fence, a simple, “Hello?, ” could set a king
off. No guillotine for me. Kings can be very erratic, especially a
king who is dealing with all that racket from the Kennedy. I would
like to see him emerge from the castle at a distance. I’d like to be
able to judge his sanity from afar. I’d like to be able to run or grab
something substantial, if need be, to defend myself. So, I call,
“Helloooo???” “Anyone in there?”
There is no immediate response. I hold my position and turn the
volume up to a considerable decibel. “Heeeellllloooooo-anyyyybodyyy in
thereeeee???” Nothing for ten seconds. Something begins to move in the
castle. A circular shape presses against the rectangular sunbeam and
moves in a triangular pattern. Finally, the zipper begins to open on
the castle door. The door flap falls into the castle and two feet
emerge from within. The feet were followed by legs, followed by a
waist, followed by a neon blue puffy cloud, followed by a tiny human
head, and pulling up the rear was the piss in the snow yellow tips of
a white beard.
The emergence of Whitebeard stopped my brain. The moment was still
in my eyes. The images hadn’t gotten past the looking stage. I was not
thinking. Just looking. He looked for the voice. He knew, because of
the way he designed the castle, the voice could only come from one
direction. He saw me. I could tell I did not worry him right away. He
just said, “What?”
“Hey, how’s it going?” I asked.
Whitebeard was on his knees, his eyes on me, his body facing the
door flap, stranded in a physical state of confusion. He had his wits
about him, it seemed, but his body was confused about what movements
to make. “What?” he asked again. This time he wanted an answer.
“I saw you carrying that broken lawn duck, and I wanted to know
what you were planning on doing with it.” I returned.
“What the fuck are you talking about man?” His voice was filled
with ashes, smoke billowed from his lungs and he rasped his responses
with labor.
“That broken stone duck out in front of your tent. The one that
had the head of a goose or duck or a swan or something at one point
before someone threw it out and you found it. I was just wondering
what your plans for it were-if you don’t mind sharing.”
He was shaking his head while I asked about it. He put his
knuckles on the ground and used them to push the cloud into the air
and used his toes to lift his legs. “That thing made me laugh.” He
said.
“Is that why you have it?” I asked.
“What, is it yours or something? You can have it back man. I don’t
want it. I just found it man.”
I interjected. “ Nahh dude, I’m just curious, I saw you carrying
it, it looked heavy so, I thought I’d ask.”
Whitebeard walked toward me but slowed his approach as he neared.
“I saw it on somebody’s lawn. It had a yellow rain jacket, and a
yellow hat. Fuckin’ thing had clothes man. Then I laughed, cause I
wondered why someone would buy clothes for a fuckin stone duck.” He
laughed as he walked past the broken duck on his lawn, and he glanced
at the duck in transit. “Ya, fuckin dressed up, u bahleed dat?” He
asked. He stopped fifteen yards from my position. He considered his
own comfort level with the line of questioning. “Fuck u care anyway?”
“I wondered why you would carry that thing around. I wanted to
know the story behind the duck,” I said.
He shook his head at me. “That seems as dumb as me carrying it
around, man. I picked it up cause I didn’t want someone to go lookin
for the guy who broke it. Now I’m just the guy who founttit-it was all
broken when I fountit. You see?”
“Yeah, I get it. So what are going to do with it?” I asked.
“Fuck u mean?” Aint gonna do shit but walk past it-makes me laugh.”
“Do you collect a lot of stuff that makes you laugh?” I asked.
“Nah.” He looked right and left and found what he was lookin for.
There was an orange five-gallon bucket that he flipped upside down and
took a seat. “You got any change you can spare man?”
“Nah, “ I said. “But if I come up here again, I’ll bring you some
food.”
“Whatever.” He looked mad. Mad that he was woken up. Mad that he
didn’t get anything out of being woken up, and was now up and stung by
the cold. Awake and alive. A new day. He looked around. He scanned the
area, seemingly, to make sure all was the way it should be. His head
snapped back at me. “Gotta smoke? He asked.
“That I got,” I said, and I pulled the squares from my pocket. I
handed him one. He stuck it between his hidden lips and I lit the
smoke while he blocked the wind from blowing out the flame. He stood
up and walked back to the tent. “Don’t wake me up no more,” he said as
he lowered himself to enter the castle.
“I’m sorry buddy, but its three in the afternooon,” I said.
He stopped just before the tent and said, “Not for me.”
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